🔗 Share this article

Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It irritates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that counseling might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This process will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.